Dear Diary- “I’m lost.”

Imagine being so sad that you don’t feel like going to events you were excited for, don’t feel like dressing good and looking good, not even eating. You choose to stay at home alone to cry in peace. And still somehow don’t get peace. Talking to some people brings you peace but those are the very people who don’t wanna talk to you.

I can’t be wrong all the time, why do people always misjudge me? I’m not the same as everyone else. I don’t have practically any friends, the people I had earlier either became too toxic or people left me out. Hence, I’ve got no social life. As an introvert who has too many things to think about, and I keep living in my head and lose touch with the material world, I crave outside stimulation a lot. Mostly because my thoughts have a tendency to grow dark and I do not want to be left alone with such thoughts.

People have masqueraded me as a person which I’m not. Sometimes my heart aches with endless tears thinking about this like there is no kindness left in this cruel world and sometimes I don’t care what people say or think about me now. As only I know my part of the story. Only I know what I’ve been through. I was born to be authentic and not to please everyone. I’m stuck between these two situations.

But… how is everything getting ruined all at once? There’s absolutely nothing I feel like doing. Not being able to concentrate on anything, not even on basic things of life, or even studies. This wasn’t me… I just want to stop existing. I want to disappear… and it feels like it won’t make a difference to anyone anyway.

There was a time when I used to like my company. But now when I’m alone, there is something broken. And I fall into sadness so sweet that it engulfs me. I look in the mirror, and I don’t like what I see. And when I’m trying to sleep, tears always fall down. I’m missing something that doesn’t exist. Sleepless nights filled with anxiety, fear, sadness and overthinking. I don’t know how many nights like these are left. I miss my 8 hours of sleep when I used to wake up with a bright smile on my face and not with stress and negative thoughts.

It feels like I’m no longer good at anything. A failure in academics, in personal life, in life in general. Also, the ever-growing guilt in me for being a disappointment to my parents who have given me nothing but have unconditionally supported me all this while. They have never put any kind of pressure on me, but the expectations I have from myself make me feel like a failure in life. I feel like a trapped soul who is helpless and trying its best to get out of it, which never happens and every day and night repeats the same story.

Maybe it’ll get better… maybe not… :)

I’m not writing and publishing this for any kind of attention or anything, I’m just doing all this to vent myself out because there is no one with whom I can talk about. So, internet here I go…

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